Sunday, July 18, 2010
How do you talk about losing a baby...
I had just found out about baby number 2, when I lost it (I was 2 1/2 weeks or so, really not far along at all). I took the test after I came back from girls night out (after watching Eclipse opening night), I thought why the heck not its not like its going to be positive, right. Oh how wrong I was. I was going to surprise Brian by telling him about the baby while we were camping over the 4th of July. So that Saturday I started cramping and bleeding. And I just knew that I had lost the baby that had barely had a chance. So no one knew about the pregnancy but me. When someone in Brian's extended family told him that they were pregnant and don't tell Jenn. I was already hurting. That just hurt even more.
And of cause now when we get together with them I always going to be reminded that I lost a baby that would have been 6weeks younger than hers.
How do you deal with something like that?
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3 comments:
You grieve it. You let yourself mourn that life -- because even though you lost the baby early, that was still a very real baby to you, and you had real hopes and dream for that baby. You give yourself permission to be sad and mourn that loss. And you give yourself permission to think about it and not forget it.
But you also accept that God knows what he's doing. So much depends on when a child is born. If'd been born a month earlier, I wouldn't have been in the same class at school. I would have graduated a year earlier, and we wouldn't have had that extra year together. I wouldn't have met Cameron. If I'd been born 9 month earlier or if you'd been born a month later, we might never have been in the same class at church or been friends. A child's entire life is affected by exactly when they're born, and only God can see all the consequences and potential outcomes and pick the best one.
I had a miscarriage two years before we had Sam. We had a 10 month break when I wouldn't be in school and Cameron would be away at training, so we'd have insurance. I figured it was the perfect time to have a baby. I lost the baby so early, and I was so mad -- all the timing, the finances, everything made sense. Why did I miscarry?
Well, 5 months later, Cameron got very sick and nearly got thrown out of the army before we figured out what was wrong with him. And we didn't know then, but now we know that I have horrible pregnancy complications. IIII thought it was the perfect time to start a family, but the Almighty knew that there were other things I needed to be doing -- that my husband would really need me during those months and that I couldn't have helped him if I was pregnant or sick or trying to deal with a new baby. I realized that I can decide when I'm ready to have a child -- but the Almighty knows when the child is ready to be born and has that in mind, too. Sometimes, that means long, painful infertility. Sometimes that means miscarriage. Sometimes it means having a child waaaaaaaay earlier than you or your body are ready for after a scary pregnancy(um... Lorelei, anyone?). Either way, I've come to realize that all of it is an expression of God's love for us, His plan for us, and His desire for us to be as happy as possible. Nothing makes a miscarriage hurt less -- and time and more children won't make the hurting go away. But now that I'm a few years down the road, I know that I miscarried because the Almighty wanted me to be as happy as possible.
You also have to forgive people. We all do and say dumb things, and sometimes we just aren't aware of how much they hurt.
The only way I know of to get over it to talk to the person as kindly as possible. Maybe you could say something like
"PERSON, we're so happy about your baby. I want you to know how excited we are for you. I also need to talk to you about what you said to Brian at the picnic. We didn't tell anyone, but I miscarried a a few days before then, and was still really hurting, and that hurt even more. I know you didn't know and didn't mean to make that worse. And I'm sooooo sorry if I've ever said or done something insensitive that hurt you and made you feel you had to say that to Brian. I love you, and I don't want this to come between us. Can we forgive each other and move on?"
You can even write it in a letter or email if that's easier for you than talking face to face. We all have baggage.
It's like the quote from President Hinckley's wife: "Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." You are. She is. Be kind to her, tell God you don't want to feel this way anymore, and ask Him to help you forgive her.
I'm so sorry for your loss and your disappointment, hun. Hold Iain tight and remember how much God loves you. He's done a good job with your life so far -- He's still knows what He's doing. You can do this, hun.
Drop me a line if you need me.
listen to her. very well put.
I understand so well what you are going through. Even though I know that perhaps it was necessary that I go through the painful miscarriage, I still grieve. And I will continue to grieve until I am ready.
It sounds like you have an awesome husband. Let him comfort you because I can tell you that's exactly what he wants to do.
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